OTTAWA, ON—In the dead of the night, a desperate man answered a Craigslist ad in a way that raised many, many questions.
“Look, I’d been in a dry spell longer than the line-up for Axe Body Spray samples at a national douchebag convention,” explains Eric DeWitt, 41, who mistakenly assumed he was replying to a post offering a night of fun, no-strings-attached sex with a woman named Robyn.
“Robyn’s just a straight-up hot name. I didn’t even need to see a photo,” DeWitt explains. “Again—really can’t overstate how long it’s been.”
The title of the ad read “AVAILABLE: One nightstand,” and DeWitt confesses that when he blearily came across the posting at 3:12 a.m., he “just didn’t really consider” why it featured a photo of a small mahogany bedside table in great condition aside from a small scratch in the left-hand corner.
Really felt I’d hit the jackpot with that ad.– Eric DeWitt, 41
He sighs. “I figured this Robyn lady was just… I don’t know, offering a peek into her bedroom, like a way of saying, ‘heyyyyyyy, this is where all our hot action will take place.’ I can appreciate now that that’s emphatically not the case.”
The details of the ad were sparse: “Pretty good shape”; “Stable”; and “Identical twin available for the other side of the bed if you’re interested”.
“All things I look for when I decide to take a lover,” DeWitt shares. “Really felt I’d hit the jackpot with that ad.”
The ad went on to say “Pick-up Only,” which DeWitt interpreted as, “well yeah, any gentleman on a booty call knows to come with some sexy lines prepared. You don’t just suddenly get naked, guys. You have to ease into it using any one of the great pick-up lines in my Great Pick-up Lines binder.”
He gestures to the overstuffed black three-ring binder beside him filled with neon post-it notes, dog-eared pages and extensively highlighted sections.
When DeWitt finally worked up the courage to respond to Robyn’s ad, the phone call lasted exactly eight seconds.
“I opened with my sexy binder voice, or SBV as the ladies know it, reading just a killer line from page 33,” DeWitt explains.
“Yeah, so she shut that down pretty instantly.”
At press time, Robyn’s Craigslist ad had been updated to read “AVAILABLE: Small table to put beside your bed. As in furniture” and the seller’s name had been changed to “noted octogenarian Horace Grumblefist VII”.